Heal

"The wounded ego must hide all that we believe is unacceptable about ourselves. To accomplish this task, it constructs a mask to prove to others that we are not as defective, inferior, worthless, and bad as we might fear we are. None of us likes to admit that we have these flaws and insecurities, so we hide them. We create a persona at a very young age. We start to wrap ourselves up in a new package that we believe will bring us the love, attention and acceptance that we hunger for. We create personas so that we can belong." Debbie Ford

A large part of my persona is being a phenomenal mother. From an early age, I envisioned the mother I was going to be. I was going to be the best parent this world has ever seen, with a clean, orderly house; happy, healthy, perfect children; never accepting help; and always maintaining an admirable level of patience. In some twisted way, this would hide all the traumas I experienced and all the ways my parents had failed me.

So I had been doing this, you guys; like absolutely killing myself and last summer it came to a head. I had a baby, but wasn’t willing to forego any of the usual tasks necessary to be a kick-ass mom. So I signed up my girls for all the summer activities and I was determined to show them the best summer ever. But I would lose my patience with them when they weren’t ready or they left huge messes or they woke up the baby with their shrieks and giggles. And I hated myself for it. I had a constant stream of contempt running through my mind, always telling myself I wasn’t trying hard enough, or worse, I wasn’t good enough. I made the mistake of believing that hatred encouraged me to do better.

Then one morning, I woke up and I couldn't walk. My joints were so swollen. After a stint in the emergency room, a follow-up with my doctor, and finally a trip to Mayo Clinic in Rochester, there was no definitive answer. The best guess is I had a viral infection and my immune system misfired, attacking itself. Coincidence? Maybe, but more likely the result of the stressful situation I was creating in combination with the negative things I was telling myself. There is concrete evidence in science right now that links emotional health to physical health and the ability to fight disease.

I decided I needed a change. I needed to treat myself with the kind of care I want for my children. I need to eat better. I need to practice self-love. I need to honor the truest parts of myself, no matter how scary that feels at times.

Over the holidays, I started to feel myself slip again, committing to things that didn't matter and leaving little time for myself. But I recently watched this documentary and it has given me new motivation. Heal discusses these cutting edge discoveries happening in medicine and overall health. I highly, highly recommend watching it.

Kindness and patience with myself is something that does not come natural for me. It is something I am practicing daily and my sweet children test me often, but they also forgive and love with ease. I’m learning that sometimes in order to live your best life, you have to be willing to let go of certain things, and that includes a childhood ideal that no longer serves me.